Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
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There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!