COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
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INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Otters drive ottermobiles.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better