i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
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[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
I can fix him.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit