I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
You Might Also Like
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I’ve had relationships like this
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”