I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
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[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.