Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
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Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.