home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
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Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
I hope they boil the right one.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is