I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
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Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.