gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
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Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.