Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
You Might Also Like
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix