This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
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When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Had an epiphany today.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”