[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
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Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.