My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
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Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!