I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
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If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”