6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
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My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here