More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
You Might Also Like
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭