me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
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My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question