ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
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me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
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Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
What personal space?
My dog