I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
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Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
🤣dope
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”