I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
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Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
ready to be harvested
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone