[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
You Might Also Like
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Simple enough.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
for all #parents out there
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that