*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
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girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Mad Max Arctic Road
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
asked my bf how work was today
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.