An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
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The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????