Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
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I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what