CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
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*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*