Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
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Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough