I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
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Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.