My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
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My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
SCARY COSTUME
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
For the baby who has everything
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’