Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
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There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
May have had one breakfast too many
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!