guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
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Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath