wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
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A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Air conditioning – not a fan
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
lol
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.