If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
You Might Also Like
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers