The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
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I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
This is my pinned tweet
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.