My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
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birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot