Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
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You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday