I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
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CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
fly smarter, not harder
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.