New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
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Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
i think both sides are to blame here
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.