A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
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I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?