7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
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Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Oh, I bet you would be
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.