My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
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I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”