I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
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“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.