What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
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Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Schrödinger’s cookie
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.