bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
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Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.