[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
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Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
any last words?
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…