me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
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[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
How wrong was this guy?
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast