Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
You Might Also Like
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.