Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
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78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.