The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
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6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair