Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
You Might Also Like
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.