It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
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Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
The photographer’s assistant
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!